BLEPHAROSPASMODIC

Tomorrow I become a better person.

I don’t really know that that means, but I’m going to take it one thing at a time. I’m going to start with work. I’m going to get done what needs to get done and then some more. I’m going to continue after I get home. I need to stop making the excuses and start working through them.

I am bogged down terribly at work; working on projects that, at times, overwhelm me. I can’t divulge much here, but I am held back by certain things. I will work to overcome those obstacles. Home is hard; coming home and dealing wth a terribly sweet 2 year old that wants nothing more than your full blown attention. It’s stressful, but it shouldn’t be. I will never have these moments again. Again, I need to work through these.

Drew amazes me. The wars he has dealt with and the optimism he still carries around astounds me. It gives me hope. “When you die it is better to have given back more than you have taken” (Drew’s Grandfather). I don’t know the specifics of it all, but it is a beautiful thought. I do fear leaving this workd without leaving my mark. I’m not searching to be famous or have a building named afte me when I die, but if I can go out with having given more than taken, I think I’ll be happy. Right now, I’m a taker. I give here and there, but mostly, I’m a fairly selfish person. I don’t like that. This needs to change, in every aspect of my life.

I want to give Lily every opportunity she has to make it in this world. I want to impart the real wisdom I have learned from all of my mistakes and I want her to be able to take life by the horns and run with it. I don’t think she needs special schools for that. I don’t think she needs expensive this or that. I think she needs a family that will be there for her.

I am 31 years old. I’m not 25 years old anymore. I need to take things more seriously. I need to go to bed at night, content that I have done everything that I could. Right now, I’m just going through the motions.

Tomorrow is a new day… even if it’s pouring down rain and 35 degrees.

Over a month since my last post… I attribute it to being busy, but mostly a sense of despondency with the time change, shorter days, and grey novemeber weather which always seems to bring me down. It’s something I seem to fight every year. It’s hard on me going into work when it’s still dark and leaving work when it’s dark. On top of that, Amanda works longer hours, and things get extremely busy at work, all of which tend to make the days feel like they run into each other. When I get home, I don’t feel like doing much. I tend to feel extra anxious about nothing and have panic attacks over null. It’s a cycle I would like to break, but don’t really know how to do so.

Back in September, after several visits at Washington University’s Sleep Clinic, I stopped taking Effexor which I had been taking for nearly two years to battle my light depression and panic disorder. The withdrawl was slightly tough for a week or two, but my sleep improved almost immediately. My snoring has dropped to non Earth-shattering decibles, and I’m actually able to wake up in the morning. I was told after one of my visits to the clinic that I was waking up an average of 30-something times an hour. So, pros: (1) I’m sleeping better which is improving my life and (2) I’m not quite so emotionally numb. The cons: (1) I’m prone to more bouts of anxiousness and panic and (2) I’m not quite so emotionally numb. I’m hesitant to try something new at this point; I may wait until after the Christmas season and see how this plays out. I don’t like taking pills.

In other news, I’ve watched three movies in the last week: Crash , The Weather Man, and Happy Feet. Crash was fantastic, and if I were a woman, I would’ve cried. The Weather man was fairly good but depressing; after watching it, I sat outside while it was raining and pondered the details of life while Lily napped. Happy Feet was a terribly thought-out movie, but was great because it was the first movie that Amanda and I took Lily to go see. She was great through the whole thing and seemed to really enjoy herself, even though it put her past her bedtime.

Random Tidbits:
-Chris Wallace on Fox Sunday is a total ass.
-Lily can count to 8, but often forgets the number 1
-The Democrats winning “control” of Congress will not result in any major policy changes

At home. Lily is down for a nap. Made a few calls to some friends and have been watching college football. It’s funny how much I hated all thing college football while in school, but find myself getting into it quite a bit more each season since I’ve been out of school. Maybe it’s part of getting older and being male; drinking beer, watching football, and growing a gut.

Zac had some friends over last night for his birthday, so Lily went with Grandma while I enjoyed good beer from a keg under a clear sky in 40 degree temperature. That’s what Fall is supposed to be all about. Cool, crisp nights, enjoyable afternoons, beer, sausage, the smell of leaves burning, apple cider, pumpkins, football, buying Halloween candy for the Trick-or-Treaters and eating it all yourself. Autumn is, by far, my favorite season for all of these reasons and then some.

Amanda’s been out of town again this week.. part business, part pleasure. Lily and I have been surviving on ketchup and crackers. Lily is so awesome. Yesterday, before ‘ran-ma’ came to pick her up, I was packing her overnight bag and she was helping throw everything she could find in the bag…

Lily: 1 baby - 2 babies. 1 blankek (blanket), 2 blankeks
ME: no, lily, we only need one blanket.
Lily: TWO BLANKEKS! [stomps feet] Lilys Blankek [points]- Babies Blankek!! [points to other blanket]
ME: ok, fine.. 2 blankets.

Then she packed my keys, said “bye bye” and started for the door. I took the keys out and told her ‘no - the keys stay here with daddy’ “yeaaaaahhhh… daddys keys.” I put them up on the table. About 45 minutes after they left, I couldn’t find my keys. I call ‘ran-ma’ I hear her jingle something over the phone and ask lily “Lily, what are these?” [dead silence] Then I hear lily respond in the background - “Daddy’s keys [another long pause] uuuuhhhhh-ooooohhhhhh!”

I spent the last 4 hours trying to rid my computers of the damn WinAntiVirus Malware… I think I finally have everything clean… so far no popups and/or hijacked browsers. [keeps fingers crossed]

Anyway, Amanda is about to get off from work, pack up and head off to Dyersburg for the next 5 days. I pretend to be a loner, but when it comes right down to it, I don’t like to be alone. That doesn’t mean I can’t entertain myself; it just means that I’m going to miss both her and Lily terribly.

Lily is the perfect 2 year old… so sweet and endearing one second, a total show-off the next, and flailing about on the ground in a fit of terror the next. I can’t imagine my life without her - I can’t imagine coming home and not hearing the mailslot on the door open up and her yelling “daaaaaddddyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!” and seeing her tiny hand protruding from the door on my way up the sidewalk. She breaks my heart every day.

So, what to do with myself for the next week - being wife and child-less? I just don’t know. My car needs an inspection/oil-change… I’m going out to eat with my mom tonight for my birthday - I have tentative plans to watch some football with Zac tomorrow. But that only takes up the weekend. If we had money and the means to transport large supplies, I might start working on the basement. Then again, the yard needs work and I’m on a mission to find free bricks. The bedroom needs painting/wallpapering. The dining room needs painting. Shelving needs to be put up in various spots. I’d like to get photo galleries put back up…

I guess we’ll have to see.

Today is my birthday. I have grown to really not care for birthdays, especially my own. I don’t mean to be negative - it’s just that I’m closing in on that halfway mark and there is still no chance in hell anything is going to be named after me when I kick. Where’s my $20 million so I can blast off into space?

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