BLEPHAROSPASMODIC

From Weather.com:

The national weather service in St Louis has issued a winter storm warning…which is in effect from 6 am Thursday to 9 am cst Friday. The winter storm watch is no longer in effect.

Freezing rain will mix with sleet Thursday evening before changing over to all snow after midnight. The snow will be heavy at times with gusty north winds. Ice accumulations are expected to reach a quarter inch by midnight on Thursday night…with expected total snowfall amounts of 4 to 8 inches by midday on Friday.

Everyone at work is giddy with anticipation of closing down; myself included. My Calendar is booked completely solid starting at 8am on Friday: Major proposal, meet and greets, Faculty training, staff meeting…

With all of the talk, the snow and ice won’t come. We’ve jinxed it. The only time it snows really big is when nobody talks about it and it just sneaks up on everyone…

I wanna a snow day… *whines*

Tomorrow I become a better person.

I don’t really know that that means, but I’m going to take it one thing at a time. I’m going to start with work. I’m going to get done what needs to get done and then some more. I’m going to continue after I get home. I need to stop making the excuses and start working through them.

I am bogged down terribly at work; working on projects that, at times, overwhelm me. I can’t divulge much here, but I am held back by certain things. I will work to overcome those obstacles. Home is hard; coming home and dealing wth a terribly sweet 2 year old that wants nothing more than your full blown attention. It’s stressful, but it shouldn’t be. I will never have these moments again. Again, I need to work through these.

Drew amazes me. The wars he has dealt with and the optimism he still carries around astounds me. It gives me hope. “When you die it is better to have given back more than you have taken” (Drew’s Grandfather). I don’t know the specifics of it all, but it is a beautiful thought. I do fear leaving this workd without leaving my mark. I’m not searching to be famous or have a building named afte me when I die, but if I can go out with having given more than taken, I think I’ll be happy. Right now, I’m a taker. I give here and there, but mostly, I’m a fairly selfish person. I don’t like that. This needs to change, in every aspect of my life.

I want to give Lily every opportunity she has to make it in this world. I want to impart the real wisdom I have learned from all of my mistakes and I want her to be able to take life by the horns and run with it. I don’t think she needs special schools for that. I don’t think she needs expensive this or that. I think she needs a family that will be there for her.

I am 31 years old. I’m not 25 years old anymore. I need to take things more seriously. I need to go to bed at night, content that I have done everything that I could. Right now, I’m just going through the motions.

Tomorrow is a new day… even if it’s pouring down rain and 35 degrees.

… well both a great time and the closest thing I know to hell at the same time.

The days themselves are great, and being a parent, I am looking forward to this Christmas day. Thanksgiving will be nice - one in Dyersburg with Amanda’s family and one here in St. louis with much of my extended family the day there after. It’s everything in between that drives me to bah-humbug mode.

Who the hell needs to go shopping at 4-5am the day after thanksgiving? I know there are people out there that like that rush, and i don’t blame them; I blame the retail industry. I blame the retail industry for much, if not all of my disdain for the holidays. Here’s my point: If stores didn’t open at 4 am (and I’ve heard that several places are opening at 12:01 the day after Thanksgiving) and if they weren’t open Christmas eve, people would get their shopping done at other times. Why do theyhave to take time away from our families? Every Year, Amanda works longer hours, Christmas eve, the day after thanksgiving, etc etc. How long can we keep this up as a society before people say “enough?” Will it just get worse?

I want to spend time with my family during the holidays. I want to be able to relax. I want to be able to take a nice nap after stuffing myself with turkey instead of jumping in a car and driving 4 hours to get back home so we can go back to work. That’s no holiday. The holidays should be rushed.

I learned a lot living in Austria about the quality of life and how we, as americans, do not value it like we should. There is absolutely NO need for us to go to the lengths that we do every year in an attempt to please people. We spend so much money on gifts; much of which doens’t really mean a lot to the people we give them to. Why can’t we revert to 50 years ago when stores were closed on sundays and the holidays meant more than shopping? Why is it so material?

I’m looking forward to spending Christmas with my family. I hope that I can learn to look past the bad and enjoy the good, no matter how short it may be…

Over a month since my last post… I attribute it to being busy, but mostly a sense of despondency with the time change, shorter days, and grey novemeber weather which always seems to bring me down. It’s something I seem to fight every year. It’s hard on me going into work when it’s still dark and leaving work when it’s dark. On top of that, Amanda works longer hours, and things get extremely busy at work, all of which tend to make the days feel like they run into each other. When I get home, I don’t feel like doing much. I tend to feel extra anxious about nothing and have panic attacks over null. It’s a cycle I would like to break, but don’t really know how to do so.

Back in September, after several visits at Washington University’s Sleep Clinic, I stopped taking Effexor which I had been taking for nearly two years to battle my light depression and panic disorder. The withdrawl was slightly tough for a week or two, but my sleep improved almost immediately. My snoring has dropped to non Earth-shattering decibles, and I’m actually able to wake up in the morning. I was told after one of my visits to the clinic that I was waking up an average of 30-something times an hour. So, pros: (1) I’m sleeping better which is improving my life and (2) I’m not quite so emotionally numb. The cons: (1) I’m prone to more bouts of anxiousness and panic and (2) I’m not quite so emotionally numb. I’m hesitant to try something new at this point; I may wait until after the Christmas season and see how this plays out. I don’t like taking pills.

In other news, I’ve watched three movies in the last week: Crash , The Weather Man, and Happy Feet. Crash was fantastic, and if I were a woman, I would’ve cried. The Weather man was fairly good but depressing; after watching it, I sat outside while it was raining and pondered the details of life while Lily napped. Happy Feet was a terribly thought-out movie, but was great because it was the first movie that Amanda and I took Lily to go see. She was great through the whole thing and seemed to really enjoy herself, even though it put her past her bedtime.

Random Tidbits:
-Chris Wallace on Fox Sunday is a total ass.
-Lily can count to 8, but often forgets the number 1
-The Democrats winning “control” of Congress will not result in any major policy changes